New Worker Mag » Coworking » The Geekqualizer Advice Column

Bitcoin bully

Dear Geekqualizer,
For many years, I plied my trade as a common bully in high school. But after graduating, all my work dried up. Gone were the the thrills of wet willies, fruit snack filled lunch pails, wedgies in the bathroom, and well-placed whoopee cushions, and gone with them was my sense of place in the world. Is this just a sign of our economy — has bullying been outsourced to China? I’ve heard about “cyber bullying” but I can’t even do the robot, let alone sound like one, so what use is that to me? I’m at my wit’s end, Geekqualizer, and as an American I’m worried that this country isn’t what it used to be. Any tips?
—Nicholas “Knuckles” formerly of PS 164, 172, and 181

Dear Knuckles,
I’m glad you asked. Having recently spent a month ensconced in a van across the street from a coworking space while casing the place working on a case, I noticed that most of the people who exited and entered the building seem to fit the profile of those whom you seek (certainly some of them I might have considered bullying when I was a playground tough). You might find that some of them really look like they’re asking for it. Warby Parker glasses, computers, fancy headphones, and assuredly lunch money… what more could you ask for? So I say to you, if you can’t find anyone, you’re just not looking in the right places. If you want to bully real live people, then coworking may be the answer for you. You should definitely check out your local coworking space, and I assure you after the first wedgie, they’ll know who’s boss. As a warning, though, I should alert you that some of them may have a Kik app. I’m not sure if that makes them more dangerous, as I don’t quite understand how apps work. You should also be aware that although they may seem to have money, they now deal exclusively in bitcoins, which may mean your menacing fist-shaking look, and those wet willies, will go unfinanced. Do know that if your cover gets blown, you may have to go on the lam, in which case I’d advise you to perhaps reconsider your cyberbullying assumptions. There’s always the internet — those you seek are sure to be online.

When in doubt, use bumper stickers

Dear Geekqualizer,
My company’s office has a strict dress code of “business casual,” and sometimes when the boss is out of town, we have “Jeans on Friday.” I even planned for my future there with an investment in classic slacks in three neutral colors! But I’m about to embark on a new career as a freelancer at a groovy shared workspace and I can’t help but wonder — what does one wear to coworking? And what, if anything, do they wear on Fridays?
–Restless in Raleigh, NC

Dear Restless,
Having no experience working at a coworking space myself, to research your case I decided to take it upon myself to see what indeed coworkers are wearing. The good news is all those spirit-crushing trips you took to J. Crew on your time off to buy those slacks, shapeless sweaters, and sensible slip-ons? Those days are over. The bad news is, now you’ve got to be aware of what’s trending in coworking attire. From what I understand, having lurked outside a coworking space for the better part of a month, unbeknownst to them, in a van, you will fit right in with a pair of high-tech trainers, an organic cotton T-shirt and an LED-bespangled hoodie. While that last bit may seem a bit over the top, not to worry. One important thing to consider is that your fellow coworkers are not really inclined to judge you by your clothes — what’s far more critical is the way you outfit your laptop. Be sure to emblazon the lid of your MacBook Pro with stickers advertising all the cool makerspaces you belong to and hackathons you’ve attended. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, that’s OK, neither do I. Maybe just put some bumper stickers on there and they won’t know the difference? “Horn broken, watch for finger” is a favorite of mine, and could possibly come across as tastefully ironic. Either way don’t worry about it. In time you’ll replace your nightmares of trying on chinos during closing time at The Gap with nightmares of staying up all night to meet a client deadline in your pajamas. As for what, if anything, do they wear on Fridays? Let’s just say that once happy hour gets going, from my viewpoint across the street all I see through their windows is a blur of LED lights. You might do well to feel it out for yourself.

 Real live dudes

Dear Geekqualizer,
I’m a woman and I have a problem. I’m quite a catch, if I do say so myself, but I have been looking for a man and I can’t seem to find any. I go out with my girl friends to happy hour at the wine bar but rarely have I seen a male to share my Merlot. I even took myself to a stage production of Rocky, sure that I would encounter young aspiring pugilists among the theatergoers, but to no avail. I tried using Craigslist but the man I met was a liar — he wasn’t a foreign prince at all. I’m worried that New York isn’t quite turning out to be as “Sex in the City” as I thought it would be. Tell me, Geekqualizer, where my boys at?
—Seeking in SoHo

Dear Seeking,
I’m glad you asked. Having recently spent a month ensconced in a van across the street from a coworking space while casing the place working on a case, I noticed that most of the people who exited and entered the building seem to fit the profile of those whom you seek. You might find that some of them really look like they’re asking for it. Warby Parker glasses, computers, fancy headphones, and assuredly knows his claret from his Beaujolais… what more could you ask for? So I say to you, if you can’t find anyone, you’re just not looking in the right places. If you want to meet real live dudes, then coworking may be the answer for you. You should definitely check out your local coworking space, and I assure you after at least a month, they’ll look up from their laptops and notice there’s a woman. As a warning, though, I should alert you that some of them may have a Tinder app. I’m not sure if that makes them more dangerous, as I don’t quite understand how apps work. You should also be aware that although they may seem to have money, they now deal exclusively in bitcoins, which may mean your wine-quaffing and theatergoing ways will go unfinanced. Do know that if your cover gets blown, you may have to go on the lam, in which case I’d advise you to perhaps reconsider your Craigslist assumptions. There’s always the internet — those you seek are sure to be online.

Catch my Oculus drift? 

Dear Geekqualizer,
Sometimes I feel as if I’m trapped in an alternate reality. I don’t know which way is up or down and everything has just gotten really surreal, you know? I was just sitting on my couch watching Cosmos, and next thing I knew I was chillin’ on Mars.
—Oscillating in Oslo

Dear Oscillating,
While in these topsy turvy postmodern times it can be hard to tell what’s real, at least if you were drunk you’d have a good excuse for your confusion. First, stop watching Cosmos and go drink one instead. Then take off that VR, if you catch my Oculus drift.

Do you have a problem only The Geekqualizer can solve? Write to The Geekqualizer and Roddy will go undercover to solve your case. He’s a man with a van plan, and he’s here to solve all your geekiest coworking quandaries. Send your questions to geekqualizer(at)newworker.co.